The Morning The World Fell Apart

I can clearly remember that day.

The sun’s about to greet us. The rooster’s about to wake us up.

But it wasn’t the rays of the sun that blinded my eyes. It wasn’t the crowing that irritated my ears.

It was the sound of someone unsuccessfully trying not to make any sound. Or maybe she was successful. Maybe it wasn’t her.

Because it was still dark for someone to be up that early, I was curious. So I asked what she’s up to.

She stared at me. Weighing how she should respond. Then she told me.

I wish I didn’t wake up. I wish I didn’t hear. I wish I didn’t ask.

I couldn’t believe her words. I don’t want to. I hope she was lying. I hope she was wrong. I hope I was still asleep. I hope it was all a bad dream. Just like the dream I had before waking up.

I couldn’t imagine what I heard. Could it possibly be a lie?

I woke up.. maybe it wasn’t her. Maybe it was because of you. Maybe that was your way. Maybe that was your last chance. Maybe it was your last touch.

I can clearly remember that early morning, Inay. It was so vivid that everytime I see darkness, I remember that scene. I remember the conversation that dawn. It was so vivid that everytime I see darkness, I started to hate it.

I can clealry remember that morning, Inay. The morning you started to live the life that people talk about being afraid of. The morning you finally took the road that has been for you. 

I undoubtedly and clearly remember that morning.. the morning I lost you Inay.

My world fell apart. I didn’t know it was possible, but it did fall.

I was a kid then, so clueless on how to handle that kind of loss. No knowledge on how to deal with the pain of losing you Inay, the most important person in my life. My heart literally hurts so much. I was broken.

Grieving as a kid was difficult. I felt all kinds of pain I couldn’t explain then. Different kinds. The pain of losing you is different from the pain of denial. The pain of knowing every single day will pass by without you. The pain of actually experiencing each and every day. The pain of losing the one person I value the most. The pain of having to move forward. The pain of accepting the fact that life goes on and that it must, without you. Without you. Isn’t the world so harsh?

All my life you were there. How could I know that losing you is possible. I wasn’t ready. I still need you. I need you to guide me. I need your care. Most of all, I need your love Inay.

Today marked 12 years after that morning. I’ve been living more than half of my life without you. It pains me knowing I have lived without you. The worst part is that the pain is always there. Sometimes it hides but it never goes away. Sometimes it even demands so much that I still cry.

I will always mourn your loss, Inay. Be it 12 more years from now.


Remembering You, When in April

April 6, 2015

Dear Almost,

Several years ago, the same month, I was so busy. Creative juices were almost drenched. The pressure was at it’s peak. And things mixed up. But all of these adds up to one certain thing and certain reason; your day and making it special.

I’ve always wanted it to be perfect. It was a chance to make you feel the love I’m giving you. Whenever that day is coming, I get too excited and pressured at the same time. Excited to add a little extra about it and pressured if such will make you happy.

I don’t buy you material things. You know I am that person who value things that were made with effort and sincerity. And that’s what I wanted to give you because you are worth the effort.

And then I knew I was successful. Those special days, I saw the happiness in you. I’ve witnessed how you’ve tried so hard to hide the tears.

Your reactions will keep replaying on my mind. The genuine happiness, your face turning red, your sweet smiles.. these simple priceless things which cannot be faked. I knew you felt loved.

This year, this month, this will mark the first. The first time I won’t be the busy one. I will still experience more busyness, pressures, and exhaustion. But never be the same as the ones I felt while preparing for your day. There will be something missing in my busyness and such. Those kind I will miss. And those, I know, are now gone.

There will be others who will replace me, who will feel busy and pressured. And maybe, maybe they will be successful, too. And I will envy them.. because I can never be that person anymore. I couldn’t.

I will never forget your day even if I wouldn’t be able to do things I used to.

I loved you. And you know I did.