Can I Come Home?

I gave it all and broke down. The emotions I’ve tried so hard to supress. The emotions I’ve been burying for so long.. They rise up together and there I was, giving up. My own emotions burying me. Doing what I did to them.

I was drowning. Cemented at the bottom of the sea. I couldn’t save myself.

But it was your hugs. It was your hugs that drained the sea. It was your hugs that melted the cement. It was your hugs that made everything go away.

[There was something about your hugs that made these emotions subsides. Like a genie summoned back into its bottle.

There was something about your hugs that made me secure. Like a Protego Totalum was enchanted.

There was something about your hugs..]

I wanted your hug, your grip. The way it was. I felt your care. I wanted your hug, your warmth. The way it was. I felt so welcome.

I wanted your hugs, because then I felt home.

Can you do it again? Can I come home?

18July2017

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Still That Human Being After All

SLAPPING YOU with words without even knowing the truth. Words that stabbed you.. deep

Judging you with anger without even knowing what you’ve done. Anger that was unncessary at all.

And before they even learn the truth, they have already hurt you.
There’s no time for explaining yourself.

Rather not talk at all than to debate with them when they already saw you as a loser.

A loser, insensitive, cruel human being.

Rather not talk at all when they already used up all the adjectives to describe how a bad person you’re such. When they already invent such words just to justify their judgement, just to slap you while telling you they were right.

Then it will eat you alive.  Are you really that bad? That insensitive? Do you really not care?

Then you will not disagree with them. Because your words are worthless. They won’t listen. They even pretend you’re unheard.

So you save to yourself the explaining. You swallowed every words you wanted to say when in your mind you were screaming the truth. When in your mind you were yelling them everything just to prove yourself.

But you wouldn’t do it. You know better than to do it. But they wouldn’t know how you manage yourself. They wouldn’t know you did it for the better.

Then after what happened, you’ll prove them right. You’ll be that person. That person they cruely described. You’ll be that human being. Because that’s how they see you.

Then they will tell you that they are right. And you will fuckingly agree with them. Because you gave power to their judgmental cruelty.

You let them define you. Because after all that you’ve done, it wasn’t enough to call you a good person. It still wasn’t enough to earn their respect.

So you see the other way. You became the person they hate, because the person you’ve been, the person who tried everything just to earn their respect, earn their hatred and anger instead.

So you chose the other person. The one they hated. Because being that person is simply easy. Because that is how they see you and nothing more. Without any respect, without any good thing to do, without any worth at all.

So I will continue to be that person. Because no matter how I tried, no matter what I did, no matter what I’ve sacrificed, I will always be that bad, insensitive, loser human being for them.

Then you will find yourself, living in what they called Earth but you were living in hell.

Then you will hate yourself for being there. You will blame yourself for all these things. Then you will be lost. Without any path, Without any urge to go on living like this.

You wished you were born differently or not born at all.

Because no matter how I tried, no matter what I did, no matter what I’ve sacrificed, they will always see just the dark and bad side. They will always be blind when it comes to the other things. And I will always be that bad, insensitive, loser human being for them.