Can I Come Home?

I gave it all and broke down. The emotions I’ve tried so hard to supress. The emotions I’ve been burying for so long.. They rise up together and there I was, giving up. My own emotions burying me. Doing what I did to them.

I was drowning. Cemented at the bottom of the sea. I couldn’t save myself.

But it was your hugs. It was your hugs that drained the sea. It was your hugs that melted the cement. It was your hugs that made everything go away.

[There was something about your hugs that made these emotions subsides. Like a genie summoned back into its bottle.

There was something about your hugs that made me secure. Like a Protego Totalum was enchanted.

There was something about your hugs..]

I wanted your hug, your grip. The way it was. I felt your care. I wanted your hug, your warmth. The way it was. I felt so welcome.

I wanted your hugs, because then I felt home.

Can you do it again? Can I come home?



Hail! Oh Sword of Love


YOU’VE MET folks, and will still welcome the mankind,
Then, now, forthcoming;

You’ve been stabbing them, neither getting exhausted of it,
Over, over, and over again.

You’ll leave them bleeding with love,
Bruised with ache,
Vested with solitude;

Frozen grief on their faces,
Remorse within their vacuous eyes;
And death within their soul.


You’ve met folks incapable of defending their so-called self,
Competent of wasting their so-called life;

You’ll be stabbing them with your sin-sharpened sword,
Heart pierced with vagueness.

You’ll abandon them like a butt of cigarette smoked by several lips,
A butt of cigarette being engulfed by the vanishing fire,
A but of cigarette stomped by hundreds of shoes;
And they’ll die a little death.


Sword of Love what a sovereignty in your possession’s,
Don’t you ever get dull?

Sword of Love all of us will encounter your cold-blooded steel;
And when we do,
Bury us!

Sword of Love you’ll have more than a lifetime,
To witness all the aftermath;
Entirely all! Everything!

Sword of Love stab me once, by your weapon,
With all your force,
With all that’s left;
And never retreat –ever.

Oh Sword of Love —

The Morning The World Fell Apart

I can clearly remember that day.

The sun’s about to greet us. The rooster’s about to wake us up.

But it wasn’t the rays of the sun that blinded my eyes. It wasn’t the crowing that irritated my ears.

It was the sound of someone unsuccessfully trying not to make any sound. Or maybe she was successful. Maybe it wasn’t her.

Because it was still dark for someone to be up that early, I was curious. So I asked what she’s up to.

She stared at me. Weighing how she should respond. Then she told me.

I wish I didn’t wake up. I wish I didn’t hear. I wish I didn’t ask.

I couldn’t believe her words. I don’t want to. I hope she was lying. I hope she was wrong. I hope I was still asleep. I hope it was all a bad dream. Just like the dream I had before waking up.

I couldn’t imagine what I heard. Could it possibly be a lie?

I woke up.. maybe it wasn’t her. Maybe it was because of you. Maybe that was your way. Maybe that was your last chance. Maybe it was your last touch.

I can clearly remember that early morning, Inay. It was so vivid that everytime I see darkness, I remember that scene. I remember the conversation that dawn. It was so vivid that everytime I see darkness, I started to hate it.

I can clealry remember that morning, Inay. The morning you started to live the life that people talk about being afraid of. The morning you finally took the road that has been for you. 

I undoubtedly and clearly remember that morning.. the morning I lost you Inay.

My world fell apart. I didn’t know it was possible, but it did fall.

I was a kid then, so clueless on how to handle that kind of loss. No knowledge on how to deal with the pain of losing you Inay, the most important person in my life. My heart literally hurts so much. I was broken.

Grieving as a kid was difficult. I felt all kinds of pain I couldn’t explain then. Different kinds. The pain of losing you is different from the pain of denial. The pain of knowing every single day will pass by without you. The pain of actually experiencing each and every day. The pain of losing the one person I value the most. The pain of having to move forward. The pain of accepting the fact that life goes on and that it must, without you. Without you. Isn’t the world so harsh?

All my life you were there. How could I know that losing you is possible. I wasn’t ready. I still need you. I need you to guide me. I need your care. Most of all, I need your love Inay.

Today marked 12 years after that morning. I’ve been living more than half of my life without you. It pains me knowing I have lived without you. The worst part is that the pain is always there. Sometimes it hides but it never goes away. Sometimes it even demands so much that I still cry.

I will always mourn your loss, Inay. Be it 12 more years from now.



I WANTED to stop..
I am hurting

I wanted to tell you
Again and again

Even if I already did
And yes several times

Too many times

Stomping my pride
Losing a part of me

But you seem not to hear
You seem not to notice

Yes I want you
I wanted you

And still wanting you

But wanting you
Is like breaking my own heart

Wanting you
Is like hating my own self

Wanting you
Is like torturing my own mind

This needed to end
But I’m paralyzed

A masochist
Addicted to my own pain

A desperate
Drowned in my own emotions

It makes me want to curse myself
It makes me fooler than the foolest

It makes me the dumbest than I ever be
It makes me feel sorry for myself

For loving a person like you


COULD I ever unfelt my love for you?
Will I ever be capable of loving another?

Having this fear of history
Twice proven to me

‘Tis powerful enough to repeat itself

Having this fear of people
Repeatedly slapped me

Leaving will always be their purpose

Will I ever forget the way you promised me things
Will I ever forget the way we held hands
Will I ever forget the moments we shared turned into memories

I can forget you
But will I ever forget everything about you?

Could I? Can I?